Tuesday, July 19, 2005

TALES OF ENDURANCE or A FRANK HYPERBOLE (dedicated to all that save the day)

.
well i got a call from the investors late last night saying that we were gonna have to meet this morning.
so we met and, let me tell you, it could not have been more disastrous had i wrote it as a scene in my movie, and wanted it to be so …
.
so, very late last night marcy and i went over the details of the catering.
the meeting with the investors was set for ten a.m.
i thought i’d show ‘em a bit of hospitality by serving breakfast…this lot never say no to an all you can eat, and quite frankly getting them drowsed on eggs, (forgive me francis) bacon and ‘furters and mushrooms seemed like an appropriate decision. that’s when i had the fantastic idea of serving a special kind of mushroom, a frankly funky variety, one that you don’t find in supermarkets, just to make C&P’s presentation a bit more… ‘special’
.
…i had ‘em flown in on a special flight all the way from dear amstel-o-dam and had ferdinand the fab french chef prep ‘em with sundried tomato, balsamico and a bit o’ parmesan (quite scrumptious)
.
as soon as they were all seated, the first of the whippersnapper-secretaries gave me a small list of directions mr. w. wanted fit in to the script. then mr y’s secretary gave me another list and mr. d’s gave me another…all the while they had begun gorging on the breakie… i sat there looking at their requests… they were pressing me for points of pressure to be made, if you know what i mean..they were asking for compromises… they promised i’d go along way, baby…the list went on and on… to add insult to injury a squealing figure in a suit and tie began to give me a rundown of my spend already…
.
…no, i was not sure how i had managed to spend twenty-five billion euros in a week
.
before you could say ‘flatulence’ they were tripping their tits off on the ‘shrooms and getting kinda aggro on me. one of ‘em starting weeping, one went off on the statuesque, another on his brother and marcy… dear marcy, freaked out and asked if she could be excused cuz - she wasn’t feeling too alright - thank you…
and i was left in a room of tripping moguls….
such a mess.
though tripping, they presented me with the contracts and made it quite clear that if i was ever gonna make the movie with their precious cash i was going to have to do it their way .
.
however, with the power invested in me by frank sinatra i proceeded to tear the contract into pieces and started eating it…
this made em all go berserk !
they started beating each other up and drooling all over the place
‘get a grip’ i said as i watched them lose the togetherness of their excrements
i called marcy and told her to quickly draw up a contract explicating how i owed them nothing and a few minutes later had them all sign it. i blackmailed them that if they didn’t i’d call the police and the media and have them locked up and ridiculed internationally and what not…just for the reactions, really. i can assure you I had no intention of squandering my time on such actions…
.
so they’re gone and i have about four hundred euros for this production that almost was the biggest ever but now looks like the biggest never…
.
and on top of that my intern came by bawling to me after the meeting, his shirt soaked from tears…
he came to resign in a state of disarray…
there was no way of helping the poor thing calm down…
he told me he didn’t want to write a history of tears, that there was a girl somewhere he wanted to go find, to tell her things he hadn’t yet and begged for pardon
and i said :
‘dear boy- you go get the girl!
godspeed you! young son-of-a-gun!’
.
at which point marcy came by and said
‘boy, i think you should leave that quixote book down. might it not be a good idea to come get some fresh air with me…’
and i looked at her and said ‘yeah, fresh air … sounds like it might be a good idea…’

2 Comments:

Blogger andrea zax said...

Eggs,(Sorry Francis)Bacon...

One of the wittiest things I've read today!

Tuesday, 19 July, 2005  
Blogger boyracer said...

always a pleasure to please...
by the way...
the francis also goes with the furters...meaning 'frankfurters' (also known as hot dogs)

Tuesday, 19 July, 2005  

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